Burden and Shame

I know what it’s like to praise God one minute and in the next minute yell and scream at my child– and then to feel both the burden of my destructive behavior and the shame of my powerlessness to stop it.” (taken from Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst, Chapter 1)

Burden and shame.  It was a cycle I did not want to repeat as a parent.  My dad was a “spewer” BIG TIME!  He would get upset about big things and little things and then the words would come.  No taking time to pause and think before speaking.  Just spewing out the raw emotions.

As I little girl (and then a BIG girl), I vowed I will not explode on my child like that.  The way I felt in those moments I knew no child should have to feel.  Yes, I am sure I made mistakes.  And those mistakes needed to be “handled” but  exploding is not a healthy way to handle raw emotions. 

And then I became a mom.  And as much as I hate to admit it, spewing and exploding were my go-to reactions.  Not to say it was all my dad’s fault.  But it is how I was “taught” to deal with such things… so I spewed and exploded.  Then the burden and shame came flooding in.  I would yell at Andrew and make those hurtful statements and as soon as they were out of my mouth, I knew I was repeating the cycle.  As we were taking a time out, I would cry… Dang it!  I am just like my dad.  And now I have hurt Andrew and I can’t reverse the hurt.  Why can’t I stop exploding??

But I am committed to a new way.  I am committed to making imperfect progress where my raw emotions are concerned.  I am committed to breaking the cycle.  For my sake.  For my son’s sake.  For my son’s children’s sake. 

PS- Now don’t get me wrong, I dearly love my daddy.  He was a great man and did teach me many great things.  But some of what he “taught” did not align with what Jesus teaches in the Bible.  And therefore I have had to rely on my Heavenly Father to teach my heart the way to go.

My dad has been in Heaven for 4 years and 4 days now.  I know he too is learning at Jesus’ feet.  Love and miss him bunches!!

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